Skip to main content

The Amazing Power of Words

When I was growing up there was a saying that sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. That adage supposedly was teaching that it didn't matter what someone said to you. Insults were only thin air. Yet day in and day out I counsel people who were damaged by what someone else said. Only it wasn't the words that were the cause but the interpretation of those words. I wonder what percentage of us really means our words to wound our loved ones or friends.

When my daughter was seven, my marriage was in shambles. I had been miserable for years, but despite my misery I didn't consider divorce because of my two young children. Then one day I got a letter from my mother asking me if I needed money for a lawyer, and soon after my best friend also suggested a lawyer, and my sister-in-law told me that if I had to make a quick get-away I could count on her to take us in. I couldn't figure out why they were talking of divorce since it wasn't on my mind!


One afternoon, as I was watching TV with my daughter, she turned to me and asked if we were going to get a divorce. I was dumbfounded. I assured her that we were not. At that moment I really meant it. I had no such thought. I was so dense that I didn't get what everyone else knew. Less than six months later I had filed for divorce. I guess I finally realized that I couldn't stand the pain anymore. My daughter was very upset and angry with me for a long time after that.

About twenty-five years went by during which I married a wonderful man and had a happy life. Around then my daughter was in therapy trying to deal with her life experiences and was making great strides. One day she phoned me to tell me that she had spent her latest therapy session dealing with her anger toward me because I lied to her.

In that moment I knew exactly what she was upset about. She thought that I lied to her when she asked about our divorce all those years in the past, but the truth was that I wasn't lying at that moment. Since the divorce took place so soon after our conversation she felt as if I had betrayed her. For twenty-five years she had held that anger toward me. I felt awful when I realized what that one sentence had done to her. Even though she accepted my explanation it couldn't undo all the ramifications of how her belief that I lied led to unhappiness in her life. If only I had know what was going on in that little girl's brain so long ago.

In my line of work I constantly hear people recall the exact words that a parent, teacher or important adult said to them in childhood that were like knives turned in a wound. One woman who grew up in New York City asked her dad to meet her at the subway station near their house when she came home after dark, when she was in high school. He told her that no one would steal her, trying to reassure her that they lived in a safe neighborhood. What she heard was, that only things of value get stolen, and she wasn't worth stealing.

Some people are told they are just like their father. This could be interpreted to mean they are brilliant, handsome, and talented or perhaps they are a loser, alcoholic, or deadbeat. The problem is that the person who spoke those words never checked to find out how they were received. The person who was the recipient believed the negative spin she put on them to be the truth.

Sometimes that child grows up, holding on to the hurt that was done, remembering where the incident took place, and even what he was wearing at that time, but the parent has no clue that it ever took place since it started out as an offhand remark not really meant to harm. However, by that time the adult has so much invested in the grudge he has carried that it is difficult to let go of his version of the truth. How sad! Yet we all do this. Everyone who is reading this has many memories of words that were expressed in passing that have tormented him or her. Now is the time to re-think the occurrence and release the anger, pain and hurt of the past.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is Team Effectiveness?

Team effectiveness refers to the system of getting people in a company or institution to work together effectively. The idea behind team effectiveness is that a group of people working together can achieve much more than if the individuals of the team were working on their own. Team effectiveness is determined by a number of factors, such as: * The right mix of skills. Team effectiveness depends in part on bringing together people who have different skills that somehow complement each other. This can mean different technical abilities or communication skills. In fact, teaming up people who share the exact same characteristics is often a recipe for disaster. Team effectiveness depends on people taking on different roles in a group setting. If there is no agreement on who does what in the group, it is unlikely that the team will prosper. * The right motivation. Team effectiveness is directly linked to the interest that the group has on the project. If the job is too easy or ...
Post a Comment
Read more

How to Study GMAT

When you are going to prepare for GMAT Exam you have many questions in your mind as what is this test all about? Why is it necessary to take this test? What are the contents of this test? How to prepare this test? And what are the strategies that can be proved useful during exam? This article is aimed at answering all your questions and it will be quite useful for you while preparing for the GMAT exam. Prepare GMAT using GMATPass.com (http://www.gmatpass.com) As far as the question of what is this test for and why it is important? is concerned, the answer to these questions is very simple. The Graduate Management Admission Test (GMAT) is a standardized test that's used to predict a college graduate's likelihood of succeeding in graduate schools of business. While not all business schools require candidates to take the GMAT test, the vast majority do. Scores range between 200 and 800 on the GMAT test, and everything else being equal, a higher score naturally improves your chance...
1 comment
Read more

10 Questions you should ask to yourself

"What Really Makes You Tick?" 10 questions you should ask to yourself: a preparation to self-improvement Be all you can be, but it's not always in the Army. I often see myself as somewhat contented with my life the way things are, but of course it's hard to think of anything else when where are real issues to be discussed. Still I aspire for something deeper and more meaningful. So we're all pelted with problems. Honestly it shouldn't even bother or even hinder us to becoming all we ought to be. Aspirations as kids should continue to live within us, even though it would be short-lived or as long as we could hold on to the dream. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks… or can they? 1. What do I really want? The question of the ages. So many things you want to do with your life and so little time to even go about during the day. Find something that you are good at can help realize that small step towards improvement. Diligence is the key to k...
Post a Comment
Read more