Skip to main content

The Amazing Power of Words

When I was growing up there was a saying that sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. That adage supposedly was teaching that it didn't matter what someone said to you. Insults were only thin air. Yet day in and day out I counsel people who were damaged by what someone else said. Only it wasn't the words that were the cause but the interpretation of those words. I wonder what percentage of us really means our words to wound our loved ones or friends.

When my daughter was seven, my marriage was in shambles. I had been miserable for years, but despite my misery I didn't consider divorce because of my two young children. Then one day I got a letter from my mother asking me if I needed money for a lawyer, and soon after my best friend also suggested a lawyer, and my sister-in-law told me that if I had to make a quick get-away I could count on her to take us in. I couldn't figure out why they were talking of divorce since it wasn't on my mind!


One afternoon, as I was watching TV with my daughter, she turned to me and asked if we were going to get a divorce. I was dumbfounded. I assured her that we were not. At that moment I really meant it. I had no such thought. I was so dense that I didn't get what everyone else knew. Less than six months later I had filed for divorce. I guess I finally realized that I couldn't stand the pain anymore. My daughter was very upset and angry with me for a long time after that.

About twenty-five years went by during which I married a wonderful man and had a happy life. Around then my daughter was in therapy trying to deal with her life experiences and was making great strides. One day she phoned me to tell me that she had spent her latest therapy session dealing with her anger toward me because I lied to her.

In that moment I knew exactly what she was upset about. She thought that I lied to her when she asked about our divorce all those years in the past, but the truth was that I wasn't lying at that moment. Since the divorce took place so soon after our conversation she felt as if I had betrayed her. For twenty-five years she had held that anger toward me. I felt awful when I realized what that one sentence had done to her. Even though she accepted my explanation it couldn't undo all the ramifications of how her belief that I lied led to unhappiness in her life. If only I had know what was going on in that little girl's brain so long ago.

In my line of work I constantly hear people recall the exact words that a parent, teacher or important adult said to them in childhood that were like knives turned in a wound. One woman who grew up in New York City asked her dad to meet her at the subway station near their house when she came home after dark, when she was in high school. He told her that no one would steal her, trying to reassure her that they lived in a safe neighborhood. What she heard was, that only things of value get stolen, and she wasn't worth stealing.

Some people are told they are just like their father. This could be interpreted to mean they are brilliant, handsome, and talented or perhaps they are a loser, alcoholic, or deadbeat. The problem is that the person who spoke those words never checked to find out how they were received. The person who was the recipient believed the negative spin she put on them to be the truth.

Sometimes that child grows up, holding on to the hurt that was done, remembering where the incident took place, and even what he was wearing at that time, but the parent has no clue that it ever took place since it started out as an offhand remark not really meant to harm. However, by that time the adult has so much invested in the grudge he has carried that it is difficult to let go of his version of the truth. How sad! Yet we all do this. Everyone who is reading this has many memories of words that were expressed in passing that have tormented him or her. Now is the time to re-think the occurrence and release the anger, pain and hurt of the past.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is Team Effectiveness?

Team effectiveness refers to the system of getting people in a company or institution to work together effectively. The idea behind team effectiveness is that a group of people working together can achieve much more than if the individuals of the team were working on their own. Team effectiveness is determined by a number of factors, such as: * The right mix of skills. Team effectiveness depends in part on bringing together people who have different skills that somehow complement each other. This can mean different technical abilities or communication skills. In fact, teaming up people who share the exact same characteristics is often a recipe for disaster. Team effectiveness depends on people taking on different roles in a group setting. If there is no agreement on who does what in the group, it is unlikely that the team will prosper. * The right motivation. Team effectiveness is directly linked to the interest that the group has on the project. If the job is too easy or ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dream Your Future

Hopeless is Just a Word Everybody, at some point of his or her life, has dreamed of being somebody special, somebody big. Who hasn't fantasized about being the one who hits the game-winning homer? Who hasn't dreamed of being the homecoming queen? And how many times have we dreamed of being rich, or successful, or happy with our relationships? Often, we dream big dreams and have great aspirations. Unfortunately, our dreams remain just that – dreams. And our aspirations easily collect dust in our attic. This is a sad turn of events in our life. Instead of experiencing exciting adventures in self actualization, we get caught up in the humdrum of living from day-to-day just barely existing. But you know what? Life could be so much better, if only we learned to aim higher. The most common problem to setting goals is the word impossible. Most people get hung up thinking I can't do this. It's too hard. It's too impossible. No one can do this. However, if everyone thought t...
Post a Comment
Read more

How to Become an Ideal Leader

When you are at work, do you get frustrated because things don't seem to be happening the way they’re supposed to be? You see people milling around but nothing gets accomplished. And in the daily hustle and bustle, do you feel that your goals remain just that – goals. Then maybe its time for you to stand up and do something about it. Most people are content just to stand around listening for orders. And it isn't unusual to adopt a follow-the-leader mentality. But maybe, somewhere inside of you, you feel the desire to make things happen – to be the head, not the tail. Then maybe leadership just suits you fine. Some people believe that great leaders are made, not born. Yes, it may be true that some people are born with natural talents. However, without practice, without drive, without enthusiasm, and without experience, there can be no true development in leadership. You must also remember that good leaders are continually working and studying to improve their natural skills. Thi...
Post a Comment
Read more